Have you ever seen one of the latest Internet trends cycling around right now? It involves a rubber horse/unicorn mask and the wearer doing ignorant actions on a 7 second video, or "Vine," as you mortals call it. You may think it is mere acting, but I'm here to tell you it isn't. You believe it's just a silly Internet fad, thinking wearing the mask gives you "swag" and such. I remember my days of thinking much like that. But whatever it takes, I want to convince you to never try on the mask. Ever.
It had been a calm Thursday afternoon; at least, it began that way. But, of course, it wasn't just any Thursday; it happened to be Halloween night, and I was more than prepared. My town was known for its popularity with Trick or Treaters; I had stocked up on 5 bags of candy; 4 bags for the Trick or Treaters, one just for me in particular. But this year, I was actually planning to have some FUN for once; I had purchased a Unicorn Mask just for this special occasion, and I wasn't going to let it go to waste. It may have just been me, but the mask looked horrifyingly accurate as to the look of an actual horse; veins exposed on the right side of the face, large eyeballs the size of a Ping-Pong ball.
It was almost as if the company that made these masks had severed a horse's head, spray painted it white, and stuck a horn on top; but of course, it wasn't. It was merely made of rubber and a couple of other ingredients that I could care less about. But, of course, this was only one part of my "scheme," I guess you could say. I had purchased a plastic axe in which I could use to spook the Trick or Treaters that came to my door. After all, I never said that I would be giving out the candy; I would simply leave it on my front doorstep, and if a Trick or Treater took more than 3 pieces, out of the shadows I would come, wielding my plastic axe wearing a unicorn head. Quite the scare, if you ask me.
The night had just began, and I was already experiencing minor problems with the mask. The eyeholes of the mask were the nose holes and partially through a slim gap of the mouth. My line of sight was limited, as well as my ability to take in fresh air; the mask became sweaty and stuffy in a matter of minutes. I had come up with a small solution for this; when no one was around, I would just pull off the mask so I could get in a couple of breaths or two; and when someone would come to my front doorstep, I would put on my mask just in case they took more candy than the sign instructed. That way, I could wear the mask as little as possible, and I could still get in some pretty good scares.
The clock had just struck 9:00 PM, which was around the time when teenagers started to come near my door. I remained concealed within the shadows of my driveway, stalking any individual who dared come to my bowl of candy that awaited for them. A group of teens with pillow cases filled with candy neared my doorstep, taking handfuls of candy. Now was my chance. I hopped out of the shadows, swinging my axe like a maniac; I managed to hear a couple of screams, and the teenagers fled down the street. A work well done; I returned to the shadows, wear I proceeded to remove my mask. There was only one problem, though; the mask would not come off. It felt as if the mask was fused to the skin in my neck, its rubbery texture slowly fading to the coarse texture of my skin. Of course, there was no logical explanation for this. With a worried feeling, I retreated into my house, bringing my bowl of candy with me.
I entered the bathroom and attempted to investigate what was wrong with me, although it wasn't exactly the easiest task, seeing as I could only peer through two nose holes dripping with my sweat. It seemed impossible, but the mirror didn't seem to lie; the mask DID fade into my skin. At this point, I began to hyperventilate, and tugged furiously at the mask. Panicking didn't make the matter any better, as it only became more stuffy within the mask. Going to the hospital was probably my main priority, although there was no possible way to get there with the streets flooded with children and a unicorn mask on my head.
Walking was another option, but the hospital was at least 7 miles away; and with the crowds flooding the area, it would take at least 3 hours to get there. I could call 911, but it would sound like an obvious joke; what was I supposed to say, that I was transforming into a unicorn? They wouldn't buy it. My only solution was to slice the mask off me using a pair of scissors. I fly down my stairs, rummaging through countless drawers and cabinets, until I found a pair of scissors that appeared like they would get the job done.
Without any hesitation, I begin snipping away at the front lip of the mask. Ouch! A tear came to my eye as I watched a steady stream of blood flow down from the upper lip of the mask. Not only was there blood flowing from the mask; it had actually hurt ME. Blood dripped down onto the cold wooden floor, as I grabbed a hold of a handful of napkins. I had no understanding of what was happening, but it was growing more peculiar every second. I got a tight grip on each side of the mask, and before I tugged once again, I felt a strange... pulsing feeling. I realized that the veins on the side of the mask were pulsing... They were actually pumping blood. This was NOT happening. I attempt to grip the sides of the mask again, but I couldn't; it was almost as the material used to make the mask had transformed from rubber to actual fur.
I stroked the side of my face slowly, much like any normal human would do to a horse just wanting to feel loved. It felt like an actual horse, or unicorn, for this matter. What followed after this was probably one of the most painful experiences I have ever experienced in my whole life; it felt as if my eyes had been gouged out and were being moved to an alternate location on my face. This strange, extremely painful feeling had lasted for about 30 seconds, until my line of vision had changed. It took me a couple of moments to finally realize what was going on; I no longer saw in front of me, but on each side of me; I saw to the left and right, much like a... horse.
After this occurred, it felt like my head was being crushed and pulled constantly, until my face molded into the shape of the mask. Suddenly, breathing didn't become so much more difficult, and I was no longer sweaty. Unfortunately, I was now a unicorn. Well, at least my head was. My horn had hardened, and was as hard as a rock. This painful process was only the beginning to my troubles, though.
As I attempted to let out a cry for help, all that came out was a half-hearted whinny. Not only had I taken on the physical features of a unicorn, I had also taken on the speech patterns of one, as well. Just when I believed it couldn't get any worse, I heard a knock at my door, and I became unusually spooked. I stumbled over to the door to tell the Trick or Treaters to fuck off. I swung the door opened, and saw a group of teenagers all standing in a line.
"Trick or Treat, smell our asses," they say.
I am spooked by the tone in their voices, and I go haywire; I drop the candy bowl and charge full speed at one of the teens, horn first. What followed was a brief piercing of the boy's skin and a loud shanking sound. A gurgled cry emitted from his lips, dripping with blood. My heart was pretty deep into him; I may have punctured his heart, but it wasn't my fault.
They were the ones that spooked me. As I slowly back up and yank my horn out of the young boy's chest, I look up at the others who are looking down at me with looks of fear and pure disgust in their acne covered faces. I let out a loud whinny and charged at my next target; a young girl. My horn enters through her left eye, and she drops dead on the spot. I see a stream of pus and blood flowing down her pretty princess dress, and it disgusts me. I fled back into my home once again, where I hid from society and the screams of teenagers outside my door.
Ever since that accursed Halloween night, I have been hiding within my attic. I do nothing all day except work on this narrative; I never eat or drink anything, but it never phases me. I am immortal, as I have found out after attempting to stab myself in the heart. I felt pain, but I couldn't die; my wounds healed extraordinarily fast, but the pain was still unbearable. The only way I can express myself is through these lines of text. So, let this be a warning to you hipster children, thinking unicorn heads give you swag; unless you want to live a miserable life with a unicorn horn stained with the blood of innocent teenagers, of course. Unless you want to isolate yourself from humanity and never utter another word again.
I have no idea how this happened, but I'll warn you just one more time.
Being a unicorn sucks.