"Have greedy heart, lose greedy head." - Old Chinese Proverb
It began as a blistering, cold autumn night. Though it was clear and no sign of showers or thunderstorms, it gave five random girls (who are die-hard Jeff the Killer and Slenderman fans) a chance to stay in and have a slumber party. The girls names were: Debra, Emily, Alicia, Tiffany, and Heather. Teen girls who were anxious to grow up and lose their virginity by the time high school graduation came around the corner.
In Emily's house, she had proudly displayed in a 3D case, Jeff the Killer's actual hoodie. Its essence of sweat, cheap beer, liquor, and violence still lingering. This was something that Jeff the Killer was out there and was the real deal and not just a random Creepypasta monster that left a trail of 13-year-old orgasms behind. She was quite certain.
If these girls had more blood in their brains instead of Wine Coolers, they would have known that Jeff had no interest in taking a girlfriend, one-night stand, wife, or mistress. Though he was heterosexual, he just didn't have time for any love-sick girl in his life. That wasn't who he was. He would rather make a coat and lampshade out of any girl than take them to bed with him.
Alicia was laying on the floor with her other friends looking at a magazine that had Justin Bieber featured in it, along with Miley Cyrus, Big Time Rush, and One Direction, and watching the Jonas Brothers 3D movie on TV, but they weren't really watching. They were too engrossed in the kiddie bands to even care. Emily took Debra into her room to show off her newest possession: Jeff the Killer's actual hoodie. She really couldn't believe it herself. Jeff's actual hoodie?? It wasn't just a random hoodie purchased from Walmart or Target to pass off as Jeff's trademark wear, but the REAL DEAL?
"Like, I couldn't believe you got Jeff's hoodie!" Debra squealed.
"I know, I found this in the dumpster behind a truck stop where he slashed a couple of random truck drivers and bikers to ribbons after he started a fight." Emily replied.
The two girls gazed over Jeff's hoodie as if it were the Ark of the Covenant. It was their own little holy grail. It wasn't just Emily's, it belonged to all her friends. She was really that eager to share it with them. Heather was on a computer in Emily's kitchen looking at some Creepypastas (i.e. Slenderman, Ben, Smile Dog, Jeff the Killer, etc), and was finger-banging herself when she read about Jeff the Killer and his homicidal exploits. To any sane person, it would just be a normal creepypasta, especially when getting shit-ass wasted, stoned, or just avoiding going to bed and wanting to stay up long hours of the night because they were addicted to fear. But to these girls, Jeff the Killer's written exploits were porn. Rating number two along with Edward Cullen, the biggest sparkletard on the face of the fucking planet. Let's face it, Edward isn't going to marry you. Neither is Justin Bieber, Jeff the Killer, or Slenderman. It just wasn't going to happen. But in the world of these five girls who were never going to get boyfriends, they were.
It was already fifteen minutes after 9:00, and the night was still young. In the midst of girly conversation and chatter about Jeff the Killer, boy-bands, American Idol, and talking of random guys they want to pick up and nail in the sack, despite what their parents say, there was a knock at the door. Who could it be?
"Who is it?" Alicia asked.
"It's Papa Johns. I have your pizza?" A pleasant male voice replied from behind the door.
"Thank God, I was like, starving." Tiffany chimed in, comically.
Alicia opened the door and there stood a pizza delivery boy from Papa John's with a bag containing the girls' sodas, pizzas, cinnapie, chicken bites, and breadsticks. He was a young man in his mid 20s, clean shaven, dirty blonde hair, soul patch, and pale blue eyes, ripped. Alicia and Tiffany couldn't decide rather to pay him and take their food, or abduct him and drain him of all precious bodily fluids. After all, their teen hormones were raging. Who could blame them?
"Hey, what's up?"
"Not much going on. Just a little slumber party."
"Nothin' wrong with that. Okay, let's see... Your total comes to... $47.58."
Alicia and Tiffany pulled a 20 dollar bill each from their purses, gave it to the pizza boy, and asked one of the others if they had seven bucks and fifty-eight cents. Luckily, Debra came in, she had eight bucks. She told the pizza boy to keep the change. He wished them a good night and headed out the door. But one would ask, if Heather gave a tip to the pizza boy, would he be unaware that her pussy stink was lingering in the currency? Well, none of that matter. The girls began to feast and enjoy their slumber party festivities. Emily reached for her mama's stash of Skinnygirl Vodka and Seagram's Wine Coolers (especially Peach Navel) and put those aside after their share of a pizza dinner and pepsis.
11:00 PM, all the girls were full to bursting, enjoying their dinner from Papa Johns. Debra began cracking open the bottles of Skinnygirl Vodka, asking her other friends what they wanted, and they had various requests. Emily said she wanted a Jaeger Bomb. While several of Emily's friends were enjoying their share of Vodka and Wine Coolers, Heather helped herself to her favorite drink: A Slow Comfortable Screw.
"Man... I do-don't know about you... But I sure wanted to get my hands on that pizza boy... he was the main dish." Debra laughed, slightly tipsy.
"Yeah," Emily said, "he looked like he'd be good in the shower and in the bed..."
"Man, Em, how can your parents, like, afford all this vodka n' junk?" Alicia asked, also tipsy.
"I dunno, successful I guess? No wonder people call my dad 'Money Bags'." Emily said, laughing.
The general conversation lingered on followed by a game of Truth or Dare a few minutes later. In the first "Dare," Emily was dared to kiss one of the girls, and surprisingly, she enjoyed it. The night could've been better until their was a ringing from the door bell... Who the hell could that be at this hour?
Debra [beyond tipsy, slightly slurring]: "Yeah, who is it?"
Cute little girl's voice [giggling]: "Hello! I hope I'm not interrupting."
Emily: "Um, it's kind of late, kid. Do your parents know you're out this late?"
Little girl: "Yes, and they said it's okay."
Emily: "What can I do for you then?"
Little girl: "I was wondering if you had seen my big brother's hoodie. He's been looking for it for about five days now. He said he left it somewhere..."
Emily looked through the lower-level keyhole to see if she could identify the child. But all she saw was a outline of the little girl and a teddy bear. Outside on the property, hidden in the darkness, silhouetted against the moon were other unidentified visitors, among one of them, a dog and his puppy son. There was one person who blocked out the gleam of a street light on the other side of the neighborhood where Emily's house stood.
Emily: "A hoodie?"
Little girl: "Uh-huh. He said you might have it here."
Emily and Debra knew that they were in possession of Jeff's hoodie and were not about to give it up. What were they gonna do? One of the other girls whispered an excuse to Emily, hoping the little girl outside would buy it.
Emily: "Oh... I'm terribly sorry, honey, you must have the wrong house. I hope your brother finds his hoodie. Did he misplace it? Check Goodwill, maybe a neighbor mistook it for theirs? It'll turn up. Don't worry."
Little girl: "Okay, thank you!" The little girl cheerfully replied, giggling.
Thinking that it was just a random neighborhood child passing through, looking for something, Emily and her friends got back to their slumber party and brushed it off. While watching an episode of Hannah Montana on her parents' HDTV, the image started screwing up, with loud buzzing static and a fuzzy image to follow, next displayed was an NTSC TV Test Pattern with the words in bold lime-green letters stating: RETURN THE HOODIE.
Debra got frustrated along with the others, and switched to another channel until the image was back to normal. Which it was. Was there faulty transmission? Was someone doing repair work elsewhere? Emily switched it back to Hannah Montana, which now had a clear picture. They all plopped into chairs and the sofa to watch their favorite show, and thought no more about the night.
12:30 AM, the slumber party continued on like usual, until there was another ring of the doorbell. This time, it was a woman in her mid-20s, all in black. Though her outline could be seen against the moon, her face could not.
"Again?!" Alicia asked, annoyed.
Young Woman: "We know you have his hoodie in there, Alicia. You all seem like nice, sweet little girls. You hand over what we came here for, and we'll be on our way. And we will never bother you again. You have exactly three hours to find it. If you succeed, we'll leave. If you fail, we'll have to kill all of you."
Alicia thought the woman at the door was joking and called her bluff. The other girls asked what was wrong, and Alicia said there were just some late-night practical jokers out just annoying the hell out of everyone.
Little girl: "We're not joking."
"I wouldn't pay them any mind," Debra said, "They're probably, like, kids from our school just trying to scare the living shit out of us. Say, who wants to watch Twilight?!"
The girls all squealed at once in confirmation as Debra popped in "Twilight." on dvd. Now their attention was fully focused on Edward Cullen... Outside on Emily's front porch, the lights that would remain off during the night came on. Alicia brushed it off, thinking it was an automatic timer. But she was dead wrong... the only one who could manipulate electricity is Slenderman... But he's not outside, right? About 30 minutes into the movie, the same young woman from earlier calls Alicia's name again, but not asking to open the door. Already too annoyed, Alicia gets down on her knees, opening the mail slot, but not looking out it, and communicates with the person on the other side.
"Still searching?" the young woman asked.
"Um, yeah. Yeah, we're still searching." Alicia replied.
"Good, good. Now remember, if you find it, we'll be out of here and you'll never have to see us again." the young woman responded, politely, calmly.
"You promise?" Alicia asked, uneasily.
"Cross my heart and hope to die."
Unbeknownst to the girls, the little girl and young woman outside are really Sally Williams and Jane the Killer. The one who made the lights come on outside was Slenderman. Poor Jeff was standing in the group, shirtless, except for black jeans and sneakers and was shivering. Slenderman graciously gave Jeff his monster sport coat to keep warm for the time being. Jane began smoking a cigarette while she fed some remaining Papa Johns pizza to Smiledog and his little puppy son who happily ate from the pizza. The cold didn't seem to bother The Rake. Eyeless Jack was there, eating the kidney of a passer-by who saw the big crowd settled outside of Emily's house. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Trixie, Pinkamena, Twilight Sparkle, Zalgo, Sonic, Ben, and all the other Pasta Monsters were there. To make things worse, they were incredibly patient. The Observer popped up on the TV screen very silently, displaying the words: "You have two hours left." A little freaked out, Heather dismissed it as a joke. Without thinking, Debra went out back to get rid of some garbage, when all of a sudden, she was silently murdered by Slenderman who teleported to the back. Her cause of death? Slenderman's tentacles crushed her to death, leaving her like a limp rag doll. Slenderman returned to the front. Debra was stuffed into the trash can, ready to be taken out...
Meanwhile, the other pasta monsters stood casually by, awaiting their other victims to return Jeff's hoodie to him. Debra being eliminated was only a sample. When the other young women got worried, Jane, without changing her bodily form, was able to manipulate her voice. Jane said, in Debra's voice, "Hey, guys, just got a text from my father, and he wants me to come home. I'm like, not in trouble or anything. I think it's like, a family emergency. Same time next Friday night?"
"Yeah, that's fine." Emily said.
"Okay. Have a good night, Deb." Alicia replied.
The others supposedly said goodbye to Debra, and resumed their slumber party. They had no idea that the real Debra was dead and in the trash, ready to be picked up on the road...
2:30 AM, some of the girls are already dead asleep, some have decided to stay up a little longer. While the TV was playing random cartoons on [adult swim], an Emergency Alert System message appeared accompanied by the regular beeps and long steady noise, with a male voice stating: "This is not a test. This is your Emergency Alert System announcing that you have had several hours to find and return a certain white hoodie to Jeff the Killer and you have failed to do so. If you had found it in time, you would have a chance at surviving and we would not have bothered you any further. Your time is up. You are finished. Don't bother calling 911. The phone lines are all dead. And now, you're next."
Jane kicked the door in with one powerful kick, knocking it off its hinges and making a loud thud on the floor. Smiledog came in, growling angrily, barking-- announcing that he, too, was there. Eyeless Jack had a 4-foot-long machete sharpened to a razor's edge, he was ready to satisfy his hunger for more stupid girl kidneys. One was just not enough. Smiledog's son hid in the bushes so he wouldn't be subjected to the carnage and waited patiently for his daddy and creepypasta family. Slenderman's towering 15-foot high frame struck terror into the hearts of the Jeff-loving valley girls. But, they thought they could flirt their way out of dying. an unidentified girl that showed up tried to momentarily seduce Slenderman, it worked temporarily, but he had enough of being the object of every obsessed fan girl's affection and decided to take matters into his own hand. He reached his hands into the girl, his claws becoming sharp and jagged like a lion's and proceeded to rip her into until she was nothing but a bloody heap on the floor, torn in half.
The other girls ran through out the house and locked themselves into different rooms.
"GIVE ME MY FUCKING HOODIE BACK, BITCHES!" Jeff the Killer screamed violently, angrily.
"I'm not your sharp-dressed man, you stupid fucking whore." Slenderman said ominously.
Emily who was hiding in her room felt Zalgo possess her and use her body to his advantage. Emily's eyes glowed a bright green and her voice going from female to Brian Bloom-sounding, just like out of Kane & Lynch. The voices alternated as Emily and Zalgo fought.
"Get the hell out of my body, damn it!"
"If you don't take the hoodie out of that 3D case, I will be forced to rip your head clean off its shoulders."
"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!"
"Don't make this harder on yourself, little girl. Bust the case and give the hoodie to Jeff and I will leave your body."
"You have my word."
Emily thought long and hard about giving up her prized possession that she kept in her room. Something to make her think Jeff was going to be the boy of her dreams. Something to keep her from being lonely until she found a boyfriend for real. But, she had no idea she was young and stupid, willing to screw every guy she would find, but she knew she was going to do stupid stuff. What any young teenage girl would? Young, horny, biological clock ticking.
"No, I WON'T GIVE IT UP!"
"Then I WILL MAKE YOU!" Zalgo shouted. Soon after, he controlled Emily's body, making her thrash herself all around the room, beating herself senselessly, making a total ass of herself, much to the amusement of the other pasta monsters looking on.
"YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
"IT'S JEFF'S, NOT YOURS!"
"I LOVE JEFF!"
"WELL HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" Zalgo replied inside Emily's body, laughing maniacally, demoniacally. He began to slam Emily's head against the counter repeatedly, until he makes her change her mind. But because of her inhuman obsession, Zalgo finally had enough, and made Emily reach her hand near her head, though despite the fact that no matter how many times she resisted and fought, Zalgo was in control. He made Emily rip her own head off, causing her to fall over dead.
"I told you if you didn't give up the hoodie, I would rip your head off." Zalgo said.
Alicia was hiding in the bathroom, trying to call 911 on her cell phone. She got a dispatcher on the phone, but by the time Emily spoke, she heard Jane the Killer say softly, but threateningly: "Don't move, don't talk. There's a pistol in your back." Jane had her hand over Alicia's mouth, gun pointed to her back. To Jane's surprise, she noticed that Alicia was very cooperative and didn't fidget. Alicia smelled the faint scent of cucumber melon on Jane's hand. Jane had previously put lotion on her hands, or it might have been a very sweet scented soap that Mary bought for her. Jane, for some reason didn't have any intention of killing Alicia. She instead offered her another option.
The following words took place as Alicia and Jane were in Emily's parents' bedroom:
"Okay... I'm gonna take my hand away from your mouth and the pistol away from your back. But I need you to make a promise. Promise me you won't scream. Can you do that?" Jane asked whispering, as though speaking to a little child.
"Mmm-hmm." Alicia said, muffled. Jane can feel tears trickling down Alicia's eyes and down her hand.
"We only came here because your friend Emily had stolen something very close to Jeff. They didn't cooperate and hand over his top. But you, you seem like a very sweet girl." Jane said, wiping Alicia's teary eyes. Alicia, for unknown reasons felt a sense of comfort wash over her.
"I try to be." Alicia said, in a soft-spoken tone. "I only came to this stupid slumber party just to shut Emily the hell up. Truth is, I like both Jeff and you. I'm not a Jeff fanatic. Oh, I got a question."
"Sure. Go ahead."
"Are you and Jeff still rivals? You know, still fighting n' junk?"
"Sweetheart, that's old news. Jeff and I respect each other, and I'll let you in on something else: he's my drinking buddy."
"Listen, you climb down out the window and run back home. If you ever wanna hang out with me, I'm on facebook." Jane said.
"Thanks. I'll message ya."
Jane spared Alicia not because she was a girl, but because she was a sweet individual and not so overly-obsessed with Jeff. Alicia ran out into the cold night, back home, and right into her bedroom, forgetting about what happened tonight, and having to meet Jane the Killer, which made things better. The dispatcher called Alicia on her phone, but Alicia said it was a false alarm and apologized for the misunderstanding.
Meanwhile, Tiffany was ecstatic to see the girl characters from My Little Pony, who were also written of in the Pasta Fanfics featuring Twilight Sparkle, Trixie, Fluttershy, and the others. But they didn't come for a social call or sign autographs. They came to kill her. Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, and the other MLP girls put Tiffany out of her misery and collected her "ingredients" to put into their next batch of cupcakes. Heather was the last in her group... she was hidden in a closet in Emily's bedroom, Smiledog sniffing for her, Jeff following, Eyeless Jack close behind, and Father Malone ready to give Heather her "last rites." Heather stayed perfectly still, not making a sound, moving back to prevent Smiledog from sniffing her out. Smiledog couldn't see Heather because it was a walk-in closet. Smiledog and the other men walked off, thinking Heather wasn't there, and the door closing behind them.
Heather was about to make a break for the door when Jeff the Killer and Father Malone showed up.
"Alright. I'm getting just a little sick and fucking tired of all this lovey-dovey obsessed fangirl bullshit! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?! I DO NOT LOVE ANY GIRL WHO IS OBSESSED WITH ME. NOW HAND OVER THE JACKET, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Jeff screamed.
"Just give him what he wants and we'll let you go. It's as simple as that." Eyeless Jack said, raising his machete up high.
"You better make amends and give your heart to God right now." Father Malone said in an inhuman voice.
Smiledog barked angrily, as though ready to kill her. Jeff punched Heather across the face, sending her to the floor, Smiledog snarling all the while. Eyeless Jack stood over, taking his mask off, revealing his cat-like face and black fluid dripping from his empty eyes. Heather starts screaming.
"Give Jeff his hoodie or I'll rip your fucking kidney out and EAT IT!" Eyeless Jack screamed.
"Father, please. Forgive me. HAVE MERCY!" Heather said to Father Malone as Jeff pinned her arms down.
"God does. BUT I DON'T!"
Jeff the Killer begins to tear into Heather's neck as Father Malone plunges his sharp black claws into her chest, ripping her heart out.
"They always said the way to a girl's heart is through her ribcage." Father Malone said, holding Heather's heart. "Be still, my still-beating heart."
"Just... Go... To... Sleep, BITCH!" Jeff said.
Eyeless Jack turned Heather's lifeless body over and proceeded to cut her kidneys out, and eating them. Smiledog began to tear Heather to shreds. Eyeless Jack punched the 3D case that Emily had Jeff's hoodie in and gave it to his pasta brother.
"Reunited and it FEELS SO GOOD! HELL YEAH!" Jeff exclaimed, putting his hoodie back on.
All of the Pasta Monsters, after all the carnage that transpired, drunk what remained of Emily's alcohol supply, the cigars and cigarettes smoked, and watching TV, having a good time. Jane called Mary on her cell and told her she would be home in the afternoon, considering it was still in the late hours of the night.
"Yeah, I'm just hanging out with some of my buddies, having a few beers, that sort of thing."
"Okay, Janie. Have fun. I love you!"
"I love you, too."
[Cell phone beeps off]
"Want a pretzle with your beer, Jeff?" Jane asked.
"No thanks. I can't handle the little ones. Got a big one?"
"Sure enough." Jane replied. She and Jeff, like brother and sister, toasted their beers and had fun. Father Malone especially, since he enjoyed watching lesbian porno and Slenderman, his share of horror films. All the pasta monsters had fun that night. Much to Ben and Jeff's delight, there were gaming systems out the yin-yang and little Sally was having a ball, and feeling safe in the arms of daddy Slenderman. Smiledog's son came in after Smile barked for him, and he lept up on Jane's lap, little tail wagging.
Ever noticed the first letter in each girls name spelled out