One day, while out in her garden, Mrs. Melinda Cosgrove happened upon a strange little white creature, which appeared to have a gash on its tail. She took it in, put a little guaze wrapping on its tail, and kept it in a cardboard box. Her husband, Edgar, was none too pleased with this.

"What is it with you and bringing filthy animals into this house, Melinda?! First it was that damn cat, and now this...this lizard thing!"
"Oh Edgar, I'm only taking care of it till it gets back on its feet. Then I'll let it right back outside."
"I hope so. Cuz I sure as hell don't wanna catch what that thing's got!"
The six-legged, pink-eyed creature uttered a loud, high-pitched squeal in Edgar's direction, as though insulted. Edgar visibly flinched.
"Now Jeff, don't be so rude."
The creature curled up into a corner of the box, still keeping an evil eye on Edgar.
"That's his name. He told me."
"Melinda, lizards can't talk."
"You'd be surprised."

Over the next few weeks, Melinda seemed to become a bit TOO attached to "Jeff", their new tenant. She had moved it from a cardboard box to Edgar's steamer trunk-the one his father had given him!-and began treating it like royalty. It didn't seem so bad at first when she just took it out to let the grandkids look at it and let it watch TV with her, but soon it was following her into the bathroom, it begged for scraps from the table, and he swore he saw it slip under her pillow a couple times. And now, instead of just feeding it mealworms and crickets, she was COOKING for the thing! Actual little three-course meals! This was getting out of hand.

Edgar burst into the sunroom, where Melinda was stroking Jeff and listening to "Spring" from Vivaldi's The Four Seasons on her CD player.
"Melinda, I've had it! You're treating that mop-topped gecko better than you've ever treated me in 38 years, YOU BITCH!"
Jeff screamed again, and raised its tail. Edgar paid no attention to this.

The next day...
"Now kids, remember we'll be back in 5 hours to pick you up. And please, don't argue with Grandpa Edgar again. You know you grouchy he can get."
"We won't," said Elliott and Maureen in unison.
"OK, have fun with Grandma."

The two children entered the house. Almost immediately, Grandma Melinda greeted them. There was something about her appearance. Her hair was an absolute rat's nest, her skin was very pale, there were black bags around her eyes. Jeff, wearing the satin bow-tie she had made for him and sitting on her shoulder as usual, didn't seem a bit fazed by this.

"HeLlO KiDs. *buzz* I aM sO gLaD tO sEe yOu. *click*"
"G-grandma? Are you...feelin' all right?" asked Maureen.
"i aM fInE. *click* *buzz* wOUlD yOu lIkE sOmeThing tO drInK? *buzz*"
"N-no thanks..." said Eliott.
There was a "ding" sound coming from the kitchen.
"oH, tHe *buzz* cAsSerOle iS dOnE. wAiT a mInUte."

Grandma walked away. Elliot swore he could see something poking out of the back of her dress near her shoulders. Two tiny, pointed, blade-like, shiny objects, that looked almost like...naw, it couldn't be.
"Elliot, why does grandma have wings?"
"You saw it too?"
"Shhh, here she comes. Act casual."

Grandma came back around, toting a huge covered casserole with what looked like tomato sauce dripping down the sides. It emanated an unholy stench. The two children held their noses, clenched their eyes shut, and coughed.
"Ewww! What is that stuff, Grandma?! It smells GROSS!" said Eliott.

"It'zzzz my sPeCiAl *buzz* sUrpRriSe! *click*" Melinda uncovered the casserole. "*buzz* DiG iN!"
The kids opened their eyes to see what the "surprise" was, and practically screamed their heads off.

It sure was a surprise, all right.
Grandma was serving them what was left of Grandpa Edgar.
Written by Furbearingbrick.

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